For many miles, we travelled, and travelled and travelled until we reach at a phase that we could not even think where else we should go and when we should stop. I take a deep breath, and then I close my eyes and dream quietly of breaking free. I dream of breaking every single chain that has ever held me. I cut them. I throw glass cups against the wall. Every vase shatters, and then I’m set free. Indeed I am on my long way to get the real freedom and peace in life. I am tired of travelling alone seeking for my purpose of living in this world.
Since I was born in 1990, I am always being the one that brings the joy and grief to my family. My mother told me that, I am always the scallywag and also a curing to my family. I have been raised beautiful and pleasantly by a raised freckles mother. I have six siblings and I am the fifth one. My mother never fails to fullfil every single thing that she knows what is needed by her childs. I get almost everything that I want in life. And of course I am being grateful enough for that. I am the one that is always rebel to everything that being said by my mother. I am stubborn and uncontrolled type of person. Yeah, tell me who is never rebel and fight back to whatever words utter from your parents’ mouth right? My childhood wasn't that tough because I have been born in the year in which my family has stabilize their life. I mean like, yes so far me and my sisters and brothers got enough needs and my mother never starve us to death. So I don’t have many problems with my life until I was graduated from my high school. Here, where everything is begun.
I believe that each of us have been reached at a stage of when you thought of losing your purpose of life. So do I, I kept travelled with my life course to find the real purpose of living but I am fail to meet it until I am 20 years old. I was running the whole way of my 20 years old life to look for what was the purpose of living in this world. After I got my SPM result, I have been offered to do my diploma in one of the university in Sarawak. I have been spending three years of my life living in the world of growing up independently. And here where I started to question myself what was the purpose of living in this world? I start to feel something missing in my life. I just did not know what is that I have been looking for but I just knew that I live in the half empty and dim life. But one thing for sure I just knew that I was looking for an eternal happiness and the serenity of my heart.
Back on the year 2010, on an early bird of a lovely morning of mine, I realize about what is exactly that I have been looking for all this time. I have been looking for God my whole life. The missing in my heart is God. The purpose of living in this world is the Al-Quran and As-Sunnah as the guidance that I have been leaving for many years. It’s hard to describe the feeling at that time. Imagine living your entire life in a cave and believing it was your whole world. Then suddenly you step outside. For the first time in your life, you see the sky. You see the trees and the birds and the sun. For the first time in your life, you realize that the world you once knew was fake. For the first time, you discover a Truer, more beautiful Reality. Imagine the high of that realization. For a moment, you feel you can do anything. Suddenly, nothing from your previous life in the cave matters. You become empowered, fully awake, fully alive, fully aware for the very first time. It is an unexplainable feeling. This is the spiritual high that comes with newly discovered truth.
This is awakening of mine. A convert to Islam knows this feeling. A born Muslim who comes back to the deen knows this feeling. Any human being, who lives their life away from God, and returns, knows this feeling, but me I just didn’t know it before. When we study those things that we all seek, in life, in a companion, in everything, we’ll find that both the believer and the atheist are actually just seeking God. See, God is the designer. Whether you’re an atheist or a believer, God is the designer of your needs, your affinities, your inclinations.
The truth is, when we thought we were looking for a good education or a good job or a lot of money or a lot of fame, we were really just looking for God. So it is no wonder that we got disappointed when the examination result, the job, the money or the fame didn’t fill our need or our emptiness. Even that emptiness itself was created for a purpose, to drive us to fill it. The problem is we try to fill it with the wrong things. Everything inside us was created to enable our journey to find the true fill, to find Him. Ironically even shaytan and the nafs; if reacted to correctly can become a means to reach Him. Shaytan and the nafs are our enemies. True. But how can I protect myself from them? Can the people help? Can money help? Can worldly power or weapons help protect me from our greatest enemies? Where is the only shelter from both shaytan and our nafs? The only shelter is in Allah s.w.t.
So, at the end of year 2011, I decided to change myself slowly bit by bit from bad to good and from a good Muslim to a better Muslimm. I started to get involved with all the religious activities, I read many spiritual and inspiring books and I started to rebuild my inner self slowly in order to be a good Muslim. I am not ready yet to show the changes of mine on my appearance because I am not that good as a Muslim yet, but one thing for sure someday I will go for it. I always held to what my mother said, “When you chased after the akhirat, InsyaAllah the dunya will come after us.”
To all those suffering from sadness or depression, know that it is not your fault. It is not because you are weak. It is not because you are just not grateful enough. It is not because you are just not religious enough. It is not because you do not have enough faith. It is not because God is angry with you. To all the well-meaning people who tell you this, just smile. And know deep in your heart that the tests of God come in different forms to different people. And know that, by the help of God, every test can become a tool to get closer to Him. And that, verily, with hardship come ease, and like all things of this world, this too shall pass. So, to me when you thought the storm, the ocean, the fear, the sadness, the mistakes, the loss, the brokenness was all bad for you, actually it really was only a means. It was all a vehicle to make you seek Him. To bring you back. To bring you back to completion, to happiness, to life. To bring you back to where you began. To bring you back to all that you really seek. To bring you back to Him, Allah s.w.t.
At last, yes this is a monotonous story of mine. But for what it is worth, I have come to a full circle in being a reborn Muslim. And one thing for sure, changing from bad to good was not half bad then, and I am glad it happened.
#Remember, There's always a shade of grey between black and white.
Sincere : saya:)