An Awaken of Mine :)

For many miles, we travelled, and travelled and travelled until we reach at a phase that we could not even think where else we should go and when we should stop.  I take a deep breath, and then I close my eyes and dream quietly of breaking free. I dream of breaking every single chain that has ever held me. I cut them. I throw glass cups against the wall. Every vase shatters, and then I’m set free. Indeed I am on my long way to get the real freedom and peace in life.  I am tired of travelling alone seeking for my purpose of living in this world. 

Since I was born in 1990, I am always being the one that brings the joy and grief to my family.  My mother told me that, I am always the scallywag and also a curing to my family.  I have been raised beautiful and pleasantly by a raised freckles mother. I have six siblings and I am the fifth one.  My mother never fails to fullfil every single thing that she knows what is needed by her childs. I get almost everything that I want in life.  And of course I am being grateful enough for that. I am the one that is always rebel to everything that being said by my mother.  I am stubborn and uncontrolled type of person.  Yeah, tell me who is never rebel and fight back to whatever words utter from your parents’ mouth right? My childhood wasn't that tough because I have been born in the year in which my family has stabilize their life.  I mean like, yes so far me and my sisters and brothers got enough needs and my mother never starve us to death.  So I don’t have many problems with my life until I was graduated from my high school.  Here, where everything is begun.

I believe that each of us have been reached at a stage of when you thought of losing your purpose of life.  So do I, I kept travelled with my life course to find the real purpose of living but I am fail to meet it until I am 20 years old.  I was running the whole way of my 20 years old life to look for what was the purpose of living in this world.  After I got my SPM result, I have been offered to do my diploma in one of the university in Sarawak.  I have been spending three years of my life living in the world of growing up independently.  And here where I started to question myself what was the purpose of living in this world?  I start to feel something  missing in my life. I just did not know what is that I have been looking for but I just knew that I live in the half empty and dim life.  But one thing for sure I just knew that I was looking for an eternal happiness and the serenity of my heart.

Back on the year 2010, on an early bird of a lovely morning of mine, I realize about what is exactly that I have been looking for all this time.  I have been looking for God my whole life. The missing in my heart is God.  The purpose of living in this world is the Al-Quran and As-Sunnah as the guidance that I have been leaving for many years.  It’s hard to describe the feeling at that time. Imagine living your entire life in a cave and believing it was your whole world. Then suddenly you step outside. For the first time in your life, you see the sky.  You see the trees and the birds and the sun. For the first time in your life, you realize that the world you once knew was fake. For the first time, you discover a Truer, more beautiful Reality. Imagine the high of that realization. For a moment, you feel you can do anything. Suddenly, nothing from your previous life in the cave matters. You become empowered, fully awake, fully alive, fully aware for the very first time. It is an unexplainable feeling. This is the spiritual high that comes with newly discovered truth.

This is awakening of mine.  A convert to Islam knows this feeling. A born Muslim who comes back to the deen knows this feeling. Any human being, who lives their life away from God, and returns, knows this feeling, but me I just didn’t know it before.  When we study those things that we all seek, in life, in a companion, in everything, we’ll find that both the believer and the atheist are actually just seeking God. See, God is the designer. Whether you’re an atheist or a believer, God is the designer of your needs, your affinities, your inclinations. 

The truth is, when we thought we were looking for a good education or a good job or a lot of money or a lot of fame, we were really just looking for God. So it is no wonder that we got disappointed when the examination result, the job, the money or the fame didn’t fill our need or our emptiness.  Even that emptiness itself was created for a purpose, to drive us to fill it. The problem is we try to fill it with the wrong things. Everything inside us was created to enable our journey to find the true fill, to find Him. Ironically even shaytan and the nafs; if reacted to correctly can become a means to reach Him.  Shaytan and the nafs are our enemies. True. But how can I protect myself from them? Can the people help? Can money help? Can worldly power or weapons help protect me from our greatest enemies? Where is the only shelter from both shaytan and our nafs? The only shelter is in Allah s.w.t.

So, at the end of year 2011, I decided to change myself slowly bit by bit from bad to good and from a good Muslim to a better Muslimm.  I started to get involved with all the religious activities, I read many spiritual and inspiring books and I started to rebuild my inner self slowly in order to be a good Muslim. I am not ready yet to show the changes of mine on my appearance because I am not that good as a Muslim yet, but one thing for sure someday I will go for it.  I always held to what my mother said, “When you chased after the akhirat, InsyaAllah the dunya will come after us.”

To all those suffering from sadness or depression, know that it is not your fault. It is not because you are weak. It is not because you are just not grateful enough. It is not because you are just not religious enough. It is not because you do not have enough faith. It is not because God is angry with you. To all the well-meaning people who tell you this, just smile. And know deep in your heart that the tests of God come in different forms to different people. And know that, by the help of God, every test can become a tool to get closer to Him. And that, verily, with hardship come ease, and like all things of this world, this too shall pass. So, to me when you thought the storm, the ocean, the fear, the sadness, the mistakes, the loss, the brokenness was all bad for you, actually it really was only a means. It was all a vehicle to make you seek Him. To bring you back. To bring you back to completion, to happiness, to life. To bring you back to where you began. To bring you back to all that you really seek. To bring you back to Him, Allah s.w.t.

At last, yes this is a monotonous story of mine.  But for what it is worth, I have come to a full circle in being a reborn Muslim. And one thing for sure, changing from bad to good was not half bad then, and I am glad it happened.

#Remember, There's always a shade of grey between black and white. 

Sincere : saya:)

MEMORIES :)

The days I spent with you are like a tape I play, rewind, play, rewind, and play. Whenever I remember something new, I feel as though you touched me on the cheek. I miss you as the grass awaits the wind, Or as the morning sky awaits the sun.

Although I look for you in every doorway, I find only the darkness in my heart. You’re the one in whom I most confide, The inner ear I talk to through the day, The flesh I need when I must have my way, The world where I am home when I’m inside. And even more, I find my pleasure, too, From seeing the delight you take in me, The comfort, quiet joy, and ecstasy That it is my gift to give to you.

No matter what our troubles, I still love you that is something that maybe I regret to say, As though a part of me were also you. Life isn't easy, but I know without you. There will be bitterness in all I do. I feel the broken heaven in my heart, The blight that will outlast the years of healing, The darkness underneath all time and art, The pain that from within there’s no concealing. We were so much in love when we first met, A river that would reach, in time, the sea. We ought not let despair turn to regret, But be through choice what love chose us to be. No love can last except it be through will. Were wastelands in our path, I’d love you still. 

I went back in my heart the other day, But nothing in there struck me as my own. Strange how life moves on, and what we cherish Turns to something alien in our hands. And later, when we try to comprehend it, It fades into the twilight of our tears. I woke again upon a sunny morning, Alive to what I hoped would be a song. You were yesterday, which I remembered As though it were a year or two ago. So even though that I hate you right now, you always be on my memories. Memories in which I’ll love you still…

my truly spilled…..

Mita Ari

Teater Tun Dr. Siti Hasmah :)

Ahad Lepas Bersamaan dengan 18 November 2012, aku telah melaburkan RM58 wang ringgit aku ke atas pembelian ticket hanya semata-mata untuk aku menonton teater Tun Dr. Siti Hasmah ini.. hee.. What can I say about it?? Here we go :

It was the first Malay musical of its kind that I have treated myself to. I find it entertainingly informative and heart-warming.  This was a new experience to me and I loved every single scene. The actors and actresses all play their parts well. It was nothing short of a world-class act. Both Lisa Surihani's and Eja's respective portrayal of the young and older Che Mah are beautifully convincing. Both of them are really adorable and fascinating.  Their performance were awesome. Unforgettable, Nazim Othman, who plays the young and dashing Che Det also did justice to the role. The most convincing act to me, however, is that of Esma Daniel who plays the older Che Det. As this is a tribute to Tun Dr Siti Hasmah Mohd Ali, I was naturally following the thread of Che Mah's story from being the frisky medical student to the caring and enthusiastic doctor in a rural village-area in Kedah to becoming the devotedly charming wife of the Prime Minister. I felt and enjoyed her dynamic, strong and compassionate nature in Lisa Surihani while her sweet, gentle and quiet wife disposition and warm-loving motherly qualities in Eja.

Other than that, Dr Siti Hasmah is portrayed as a champion of women's rights, her famous quote being "the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world", and her role in raising awareness on the prevention of substance abuse.  I'm moved to tears when I think how disappointed Tun must be with the lot of his own bangsa who have reaped and are still reaping the fruits of his labours yet do not show gratitude. I don't know how to describe my feeling, but this musical has did their part by open the eyes of the Malaysian people whose still does not know to be grateful and thankful to the efforts that Tun Dr. Mahathir has contribute to us since our old days before. But, sadly, I just cannot understand why my bangsa are so heartless. Especially the Malays, Melayu ini kadang-kadang terlalu leka dan "biol" dengan kesenangan hidup yang semakin hari semakin dimamah oleh bangsa-bangsa lain yang inginkan kuasa monopoli dan authority ke atas kita..  Bangun la Bangsa Melayu Sekalian!! Bangun dan jangan terlelap lagi...

Last but not least, Show your love and respect for Tun Dr Siti Hasmah and Tun Dr Mahathir, PLEASE kali SEJUTA!! hehe..  Check out the random photos that I took on that day.. and sorry for the CAP HAYAM quality of my pictures, damn it, I just forgot to bring my DSLR on that day!! Serve me Right!! (-_-)

I am Malay and I am Malaysian... I hates Racism, however I will still always prioritize and help my 'bangsa'(Malay) first and then I will proud to be a Malaysian... :)

~Schubert Serenade~

Ekspo Buku Islam :D

Salam..

Last two weeks, aku pergi Ekspo Buku Islam dekat KL Sentral.. If I am not mistaken, this the the fourth time Islamic books festival ni diadakan... I just love books!! To me, a room without books is like a body without a soul...  haha.. saje nak exaggerate lebih..  and sorry coz anything yang aku post dekat blog aku ni most of them something yang dah berhabuk sikit,  i mean like, event that particular day dekat post aku selalunya berlaku 2 minggu atau 3 minggu yang lepas..  baru sekarang aku terkedek-kedek nak post.. haha..  ada yang sampai berbulan-bulan yang lepas lagi.. LAME kan aku?? huwaaa... ye aku tau aku LAME gilaa..  tapi aku busy kot.. busy dgn hidup, busy dengan study, busy dengan keluarga, busy dengan kehidupan orang-orang sekeliling... BUSY! Arrgghhh!!! (-_-)

Okay, enough said with that luahan kemarahan emosi akibat diri sendiri yang tidak pandai mengatur MASA..  erm, wondering... You know the feeling of pergi bookshop or book fests, then rasa macam berada dalam dunia lain yang semua orang akan jadi totally ignorance and just focus pada buku, and everyone yang baca every single books akan ada satu feeling macam exhausted of reading..haha..  AWESOME ok!! I don't know how to describe it, but when I have a little money, I buy books... and if I have any left, I will buy food and clothes...  errkk.. macam METAPHORE je..  
(ok aku tipu! antara buku, shopping on clothes and food, i will prefer shopping pada pakaian dulu then makanan and baru buku)  hahahaha ':D

So, macam tak sah la kalau aku pergi mana tapi tiada gambar kan? itu mustahil.. itu bukan aku..arrgghh...  Dengan ini aku nak present gambar-gambar sekitar Ekspo Buku Islam tersebut.. Tiada gambar entry anda akan jadi DIM and DULL.. hehe..  ppsstt, aku dapat jumpa a few writers yang agak boleh tahan la ke famous an beliau on that day.. Check it out !!

This kiddo, i tell u, she is downsyndrom but she is so cool.. determine giler semata-mata untuk pergi book fest! and her name is Husna :)

Me and my BFF... Aina :)

Buku yang berjaya dirembat untuk hari tersebut!

Ini adalah penulis Ila Husna dan Syazwan Ghazali.. Awww:p

Kenal Beliau?? Hilal Asyraf from Langit Ilahi:)

Sesi berkepochi bersama Ila Husna (^_^)

Dua orang sahabat yang menemani aku on that day!

Sorry, Kualiti Kamera agak cap Hayam!! So kecantikan dan ke Cun an aku agak kurang menyerlah dalam gambar untuk entry kali ini...hehe... aku lagi cantik dan cun daripada dalam gambar.. Serious!! Betul!!! kali Sejuta! Bai :D

# aku punya satu habit di mana aku sangat suka dan mudah tersenyum even terhadap strangers and dalam atau bukan dalam gambar, aku memang sangat mudah tersenyum... and senyuman itu adalah pelengkap pada keindahan diri:)

Belated birthday Aina!!

Aina,

nama si pemilik mata penuh cerita,

kau, dia atau mereka,

tidak kenal siapa Aina.

Aina itu Aina aku,

teman sejiwa,

teman sedarjah,

umur kami sama,

zodiak kami pon sama,

Aina punya tempat yang istimewa,

dalam hati aku yang sederhana.

empat tahun kami bersama,

bergaduh bermanja suda menjadi biasa,

6 November ulang tahun kelahiran Aina,

angka 22 tahun sudah jadi nyata,

pelengkap biodata,

selama setahun yang akan luput,

bila-bila masa saja.

Sanah Helwa Aina,

lagu ulang tahun aku teriakkan,

pada telinga Aina,

disusuli ucapan penuh doa,

aku lengkapkan dengan sekotak hadiah,

senyuman gembira penuh makna.

hari lahir adalah tanda,

bahawa kita makin dekat dengan sang Pencipta,

doaku agar Aina bahagia,

hingga ke syurga,

semoga persahabatan kita,

masih ada sisa di dunia sana,

kerana itu janji yang maha Esa,

Buat kita semua.

* puisi ni aku create special utk best friend aku, Aina Binti Hisam.. Sanah Helwa yang ke 22 tahun Aina, untuk tahun ini:)

My Late 22yrs old Birthday and Aidiladha Celebration :)

Hye peeps!!

Assalamualaikum.. Happy Deepavali to all my Indian Friends and to those who celebrated it:)

yup, i know dah berkurun dekad aku tak post and tak update blog..  but i am pretty sure that i have no readers, so aku macam agak ignorance la pada blog aku ni.  bukan apa aku sangat-sangat busy dengan my studies sampai aku langsung takda masa nak jenguk blog ni..dah macam blog orang mati je..haha.. tp i really missed those feeling when i am siiting infront of my lappy, becoming totally ignorance with the surrounding, paying attention to write, very attentive to create some words on a piece of white and plain on-screen paper which is invisible and when a post is ready and i am totally satisfied with it, then the post is totally blew me off...haha (metaphore sgt)..  just when updating blog aku rasa release and rasa un intense sangat...  it somehow give me a feeling that i can't ever explain..  hidden and unspoken feeling.. rasa macam a diary yang very secretive and hidden.. only me and "you" (anyone of you) je yang baca.. kan??

so, harini aku nak post pasal sambutan birthday aku yang ke 22 tahun and jugak Aidiladha celebration yang lepas.. yup, sounds macam sangat LAME and ridiculous, sambutan Aidiladha dah lepas tapi sebuk nak post about it on the Deepavali celebration day...haha.. aku ni 1 Malaysia, orang lain raya aku pon sebuk nak raya.. so kira ok la, Aidiladha on the Deepavali.. tak salah kan??
Actually, birthday aku tahun ni jatuh on the Aidiladha, which is 26 OCTOBER yang lepas (sila take note, buat reminder dalam fon or your diary) hehe.. aku nak update last two weeks sebenarnya, tapi aku tak sempat langsung nak update on my birthday precisely coz too busy with the tests, assignments,and par time job, so bila aku ada masa harini aku updatela... yup i know that i am no longer 21 huwaa, sedih:(
tapi somehow i know yang getting older is AWESOME!! haha..


Here We go!!  Some Random Pics on the whole weeks of my Birthday and Aidiladha day!! :) (birthday aku disambut selama seminggu by my friends and family u ollss ) 

cupcakes ni adik and mak aku yang buat:)

 ini adalah emak aku... right after solat hari raya Aidiladha terus tiup lilin:D

ini pulak abah gua!! Garang bebenor.. Baju Melayu dah bukak time ni (-_-)

A cheesecake sponsored by Nizam!

Kami adik beradik and my Niece:)

sambutan hari raya Aidiladha yang grand u olss!! hik3..

teaser, my birthday cake from Secret Recipe:)

me on the Aidiladha.. Kami pergi shopping dkt Gulatis masa aidiladha.. Boleh?

Baby Hafiy Zakwan lepas solat Raya!!

 Sisters :)

 Me and Alya!!

 Me and Adik :)

Ice skating Treat from Haziq..hehe

a Butter cake on my birthday..Simple yet delicious!

 Presents from my friends and my Siblings! and that cake batik homely made by Shasha; my best friend:)

Presents again!  a very simple and lovely yet memorable present.. a photo of mine and her..

 and a set of skin care products from Elianto, given by Haziq:)

yup, aku tau yang post aku ni panjang..tapi nak buat macam mana, rezeki aku nak sambut birthday sekaligus dengan Aidiladha..hehe.. Semoga Birthday aku kali ni menjadikan aku seorang yang lebih baik dari tahun-tahun sebelumnya.. Amin:)

Terjemahan yang Indah :)

Terjemahan Al-Quran ni sangat berguna untuk aku.. aku beli beberapa bulan yang lalu dan aku bawa ia ke mana-mana aku pergi.  aku sudah usai baca beberapa juzuk beserta makna dan aku dapat rasakan makna-makna indah ayat Al-Quran ni meresap tajam dalam hati dan sanubari aku.  tentang orang-orang yang munafik, yahudi, nasrani, orang-orang yang tiada tempat langsung di sisi Allah.. Mereka adalah orang yang membenci, tidak percaya akan kuasa dan kebesaran Allah dan kufur dengan nikmat Allah. Astargfirullahalazim..  tidak lupa juga ditulis dalam Al-Quran tentang keindahan orang-orang yang beriman, orang-orang mukmin, orang-orang yang Allah sayang dan Allah tunjukkan hidayah untuk mereka.. Subhanallah..  walaupun belum usai sepenuhnya aku fahami lengkap satu kitab terjemahan Al-Quran ini, tapi apa yang aku sudah baca dan fahami sangat-sangat la indah tafsirannya.

terdapat beberapa ayat yang maksudnya sangat terkesan dalam hati dan diri aku.  so aku nak share dengan korang beberapa maksud ayat-ayat dari Surah Al-Baqarah ni :


Peliharalah segala solatmu dan peliharalah solat Wusta (solat yang berada ditengah2 dan paling utama),  berdirilah kerana Allah dalam solatmu dengan kusyuk.  ~ayat 238~

Bukanlah menghadapkan wajahmu ke arah timur dan barat itu suatu kebajikan, akan tetapi sesungguhnya kebajikan itu ialah beriman kepada Allah, hari kemudian, malaikat-malaikat, kitab-kitab, nabi-nabi, dan memberikan harta yang dicintainya kepada kerabatnya, anak-anak yatim, orang miskin, musafir yang memerlukan pertolongan, orang yang meminta-minta, dan memerdekan hamba sahaya, mendirikan solat dan orang yang menunaikan zakat, dan orang yang menepati janjinya apabila ia berjanji, dan orang yang sabar dalam kesempitan, penderitaan, dan dalam peperangan.  dan mereka itulah orang yang benar imannya dan mereka itulah orang yang bertakwa. ~ayat 177~

Allah pelindung orang yang beriman. Dia mengeluarkan mereka dari kegelapan(kekafiran) kepada cahaya (iman).  dan orang yang kafir, pelindung-pelindungnya ialah syaitan yang mengeluarkan mereka dari cahaya kepada kegelapan(kekafiran).  mereka itu adalah penghuni neraka dan mereka kekal di dalamnya. 
~ayat 257~

Dan apabila hamba-hambaku bertanya kepadamu tentang aku, maka jawablah bahawasanya aku adalah dekat.  Aku mengabulkan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila dia dia memohon kepada ku, maka hendaklah mereka memenuhi segala perintah ku dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepada ku agar mereka selalu berada dalam kebenaran. ~ayat 186~

 Secara jujurnya, kita manusia sangat mudah alpa dan leka dengan kehidupan duniawi.  same goes with me.. aku sangat selesa dengan kehidupan berpaksikan agama yang asas tetapi kehidupan duniawi aku sangat la meriah.  walaupun aku tidak la bertabiat seperti orang-orang yang kafir, tetapi panduan dan paksi agama aku cuma kukuh pada yang asas dan bukanlah sempurna.  aku damba dan inginkan pelajaran agama yang sempurna demi masa depan aku sendiri.  aku bersyukur dilahirkan sebagai Islam agama dan pegangan hidupku, tapi aku sangat rendah hati dan malu kerana kehidupan aku yang berpaksikan pegangan agama Islam belum cukup sempurna untuk  dibanggakan..  aku sedang mencari sinar dan hidayah daripada Allah sekarang ni, aktiviti aku lebih berunsurkan aktiviti yang mendapat keredhaan Allah, dan yang pasti aku perlukan masa.  berilah aku masa agar aku mampu menjadi muslimah yang lebih baik in future.. InsyaAllah..

Aku teringat kata-kata Imam muda Naufal semasa aku hadir dalam satu majlis agama bersama-sama IM Naufal, IM Adan dan IM Jabbar.  kata-kata yang aku maksudkan lebih kurang macam ni, ""Andai kita ingin kembali kepada fitrah, kita perlu konsisten dan kembali kepada agama Islam yang satu.."
Subhanallah, aku rasa sangat tenang berada dalam majlis-majlis ilmu seperti itu.. Banyak yang aku pelajari dan dalami..  even aku baru lagi berjinak-jinak dalam aktiviti usrah sebegini dan aku belum lagi kukuh berdiri dengan sendiri diatas landasan yang benar, tapi aku yakin aku boleh. aku yakin yang kalau nak berubah perlukan masa,jihad dan tekad. Tiada jalan mudah, tapi punya jalan sukar yang dijanjikan ganjaran yang amat besar pada penghujungnya.. Slow-slow bukannya mendadak kan?? Bagi diri sendiri masa, hiraukan apa orang kata, fokus pada niat. insyaAllah aku boleh.. :)


till then, live well peeps. Doakan yang terbaik untuk kita semua umat islam yang masih hidup mahupun sudah tiada.. salam.

Ballon on the Air!!

An earlybird of a lovely morning of mine, I wonder when i could post my photos of hot air ballon with my bff  that we had took a few months ago??  lepas pikir-pikir, then neutralize kan balik kepala otak yang sememangnya blur pagi-pagi hari ni, so aku open old folder of my photos, then cari gambar-gambar sekitar hot air ballon yang kami pergi few months ago..  rinduu pada kenangan..  rindu pada Aina bt Hisam membuatkan aku gigih nak post tentang gambar kami.. act, it was a teaser from me..  so, no offence ok peeps!!  Rasa rindu pada kenangan membuatkan aku post tentang kami..  she is a friend that i met and get to know since my 1st semester while studying in Sarawak.. then our bonding of friendship being excited and getting closed day by day..  we declared ourself to be best friend forever and we had promised each other to face and bear with any problems that could appear now and then.  i love her, and i know she loves me too..  come hell or high water, i know i have Allah, my family, and her as my friend during my hard times, indeed my happy times..  she's always cherish the top in my life!!  that's her, Aina! :)

so, ini gambar-gambar yang we had took together masa hot air ballon yang kitorang pergi few months a go.. a bit oldies gambar-gambar ni ,but who cares??  kenangan tu kan old but meaningful.. so yay or nay??hee.. besor ballon dia u ollss, and tahniah pada mereka yang gigih Q the whole day semata-mata nak dapatkan ticket nak naik hot air ballon ni.. aku and Aina tak naik pon coz malas tahap gaban nak Q, lagipun panas terik ya amat, subhanallah..  tak mampu i ollss!! hehe..  so kitorang just feeling-feeling macam naik la ballon tu and bergambar jelaa...  poyo je rasa..haha..  ok till then, enjoy ur day and live well peeps!!

 obviously, It's Me!!

Meet my precious one, Aina:)

 there we go, BFF la kamii!!

a teaser..  cool giler those kiddo main wall climbing ni!!

 We love each other, obviously!

Me! Me! and Me!!!

Salam:)

Sahabat itu tiada terkira nilainya, andai tahu menghargai...(-_-)